Off Topic - Wedding Registries

Mazel tov! That's wonderful.

Many of the upscale places -- Bloomies and Michael C. Fina are the big two -- work on the assumption that people want to buy you much more crystal than you actually want, so they advise you to heavily over-register for crystal and then trade it back afterwards. (At Bloomies, where we didn't end up registering, the salesperson said "let people buy you vases, and then you can trade them all in for a couch.")

The thing about tableware is that you want to aggregate it all at once, because patterns get discontinued ALL the time. My everyday cutlery has been discontinued, with the result that if I want to go online and fill it in, it's nearly the same price as my silver.

In my experience we use more everyday barware and fewer wine glasses than I thought we would.

Things that you might find fun in a country house are a KitchenAid mixer, if either of you bake; a pasta machine, which you'll use once a summer but is tons of fun, and an ice cream maker, ditto. Maybe snowshoes or a kayak, depending on how sportif you are? Generation-old board games that remind you of your childhood?

Finally, don't overlook picking a charity or two as a "choice." I had friends who offered a selection of four, and the one I picked I'm still involved with, 15 years later.

ali r.
DG Neary Realty

Vitamix. if you don't have one, you need one. I have no upscale snobbish knowledge to add, but Congrats!

Thanks, Ali and uwsmom. It's been an endless engagement due to our preference for one life-altering project at a time (sale of our individual apts and reno of new one took up a lot of the engagement time, for example). The over-registering and then returning to buy things one wouldn't ordinarily register for is an interesting idea. I knew people return stuff but never thought about intentionally asking for more than you need of an item. I just thought people changed their minds about what they registered for. Naive me. What is a vitamix?

a professional-grade blender that does everything. you SO need one, ok, two! get it! now! And i'm here when it's time for the baby registry.

Love my vitamix. It's a super powerful blender that will actually make blended soups that come out warm and ready to eat, frozen smoothies that are still chilled and it will pulverize ice in seconds...downside, it's a noisy as hell. When I first used it in the moring for a smoothie I thought the neighbors were going to pound on my door and tell me to be quiet.

As for registries I recently had a friend register for a honeymoon. They were both switching jobs just before the wedding and took a month off and decided to travel through Asia. They wanted to stay at fancy hotels and fly first class. I'm sure it will be a 50K+ honeymoon,but for them they'd rather do that then get crystal they'll never use. My point is that you can reg for almost anything these days and it might be useful to think of something you always wanted, but wouldn't actually spend the money on yourself. As a guest I'm thrilled to help them have the trip of a life time.

Congrats!

By the time you're done you'll wish you'd just run up to Greenwich and left it at that, so stuff you want will be compensation.

The things people get you via the registry are just symbolic. You're really just accumulating money at the store to do with what you want, so guests/store/you all win.

I don't know if I'd go as far as "just symbolic," NWT. I do cook often, and I do use my china every day, so those things are hallowed by use & I do remember the people who gave them to me. Not a week goes by that I don't think, "Hey thanks, Uncle Alan" (for the Le Creuset), or "Hey thanks, Rob & Nora," (for the sugar bowl).

You just have to figure out what you're going to use.

For example, very outdoors-y friends registered at REI.

How 'bout a hammock for the country house?

ali r.

"ut we already have a household set up in NYC although we could upgrade some household type stuff at the weekend place."

Wow.

This is just dripping with entitlement and greed.

Wedding registries are appropriate for young couples just starting out and setting up their own household.

Older couples who each already have their own households setting up wedding registries is just a shameless shakedown for expensive gifts.

But I guess no one has any shame these days ...

Trust me, your guests will appreciate "No Gifts" more than they would registry guidance.

I had friends who registered for luggage, in addition to the usual stuff. So their families chipped in for a complete set (that stuff is expensive nowadays).

I agree with Ali about the everyday flatware - I got two complete sets for 12, use them a lot, don't mind as much if a teaspoon goes missing, even though the pattern is now discontinued.

So, NYCMatt, you're equating registries for older couples with Christmas tipping?

so, let me see if i have been following correctly.

two dishwashers.

two refrigerators.

two sets of flatware.

two terraces?

two gas stations?

And there's CC - the crazy old coot - SE's new resident troll.

kylewest, please give your recommendation to the OP.

uwsmom, kylewest will not require your baby registry recommendations.

thanks sunday :)
i know kw is into child trafficking now, but i think marriage will change his perspective

LOL. Sunday, you nailed it on the baby front. How did you know? You must have ESP. Truth be told, I love children--other people's children. I just don't ever want to actually own any. But kids are a very big part of my life both personally and professionally.

NYCMatt--I'll consider what you said, but you have established yourself as a pretty extreme outlier on personal interaction stuff (yes, the "tips" views are kind of way "out there" and strident), so I have to consider that, too. But I think "entitlement" and "greed" are a bit strong. I certainly never thought my family and friends and co-workers were being greedy or acting entitled when I've given them gifts over the years for engagements, weddings, births of children, children's birthdays, significant anniversaries, bar mitzvahs and the like... The gifts were reflections of my affection and love for them and if they had said "no gifts" I'd still have given them something.

ph41, I think it is great you ended up with wedding gifts you use, and Ali I know exactly what you mean. I have plants in my garden that were gifts from different people and year after year as I tend to them and enjoy them I am reminded of the people--some no longer alive.

When my sister got married, a good friend set up a registry in which a bunch of us pitched in to pay for their honeymoon. There are websites for this now (I just checked - there's one called "honeyfund.com" - ugh), but their honor attendant took care of it all.

Still, I'm with Ali on this one. Eleven years into my marriage, I still thank Kurt for the All-clad saute pan and my (now-ex) Aunt Barbara for the Kitchenaid every time I use them. And Le Creuset sent us a new dutch oven when ours wore out (thanks Danielle!).

Matt. Sheesh. I like giving gifts to my friends when they get married. Or re-married, even. These *things* are woven into the fabric of our lives, and they bear witness to the ups and downs of our partnerships, just as our friends and family do when we stand before them at a ceremony pledging to - against all odds - spend the rest of our lives with another person. It's a big deal. So send a couple of soup bowls and don't be such a sour puss.

And Sunday - it's up to kylewest if he wants to have kids. Though they are hell on a renovation. Let's not make assumptions.

"Matt. Sheesh. I like giving gifts to my friends when they get married."

I'm not saying don't give gifts.

I'm saying setting up a registry for yourself when not only one but BOTH people in the couple already has set up a household is incredibly presumptuous and yes, greedy.

You already have everything you "need." Accept any and all gifts graciously (and if you don't like them, discreetly return them).

But registering at this stage in the game is T A C K Y to the extreme.

You do registries to keep people from buying you crap you don't want. They'll be buying you stuff no matter what, "no gifts" doesn't really work.

So you return what you don't like.

Registries are presumptuous.

Returning gifts for money? That's worse. I didn't want the gift, and I want the money even less.

But Matt, they don't have to register exclusively for expensive gifts. I know the concept seems repulsive, but in the end it's incredibly helpful to everyone - giver and recipient - to narrow the field.
If a good friend knows them well and finds a perfect one-of-a-kind something, that's different. Several of our artist friends gave us beautiful and meaningful original work for our wedding. That beats a mixer any day. But for the distant relatives and family friends, colleagues from work, etc, a registry is a must.

"Several of our artist friends gave us beautiful and meaningful original work for our wedding"

you'll only get, what, $20 for that at the garage sale after the divorce. your vitamix will hold value! just add some sort of note about contributing to the longevity of your love under the "special notes to guests" section on your registry. someone will be delighted to buy you that $500 blender!!!!!

Sounds like kylewest has been generous when it comes to giving. I'm sure many of his friends and relatives look forward to the opportunity to even the score regardless of whether he needs the gifts or not.

Congrats Kyle!!! Did this happen on your recent vacation?

Recently attended wedding with registry at Crate & Barrel with gifts from $45 to $900. Real easy for both sides. No shopping, wrapping or trying to second guess what they want or need. No duplicates and only stuff they selected.

i think the honeyfund idea is great, especially for a couple that's been together for a while and has pretty much what they need. if you have to stretch the imagination to just think of what you might need, you probably don't need anything except a great trip to help distract you from the initial shock of accepting the reality of the commitment you just made to eachother. you want to ease into that.

and CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!! please don't forget the planning updates. screaming fights about guest lists, tearful sleepless nights haunted by flower arrangements, and rapid escalation to DEFCON 1 with the future inlaws over seating arrangements are all part of the wedding magic!!

Congrats! I too would go for the honeymoon.

Silver, Fine china? complete waste of money and a space eater. You'll use it maybe 1, 2, a year and unless Jeeves is polishing the Silver you'll ignore it. Register if you want for simple, good quality SS flatware, dishes, cookware, table linens if you like them, I dunno, talk to your recently married friends and see what big chain/big box does a good job on their registry (as in you register for 6 pieces of Xyz and the registry properly reflects that 6 pieces purcahsed, not an open to buy on 6 more pieces) also try Sur La Table.

Hey Kyle: Congrats!
Here's an idea: We hear that The Hampton Lux Liner is putting together gift-tix.
Nice for getting, and then giving out to your friends who want to visit from Manhattan.

Thank you all for the brainstorming. Its been very helpful.

As has been pointed out, people will give you gifts even if you specify "no gifts".

Even though we were uncomfortable with the idea at first, my wife and I used honeyfund to help pay for our honeymoon vacation. It's nice, because it's really just cash but you set it up as items like "Horseback Riding in Waipio Valley" and then you set an amount. The giver can print out the "coupon" and give you a check, or use paypal to send $$ direct to your paypal account. Then when it's all over, you can send your Aunt Nancy a nice note about how much you loved the horseback riding trip and a photo or something. It's a nice way for people feel like their cash gift really went to good use - they can feel connected to you and your honeymoon with less of the tacky feeling of just giving cash.

kylewest, obviously you don't really care that much about the gifts, in fact it has became more of a chore. Gifts should be fun and exciting for the recipient; it should not feel like a chore. With that in mind, I suggest you do not register any where. Just say "Surprise Us!" It's once (hopefully) in a life time event. Let your friends and relatives stress over it; it's their turn. Just enjoy the surprises; enjoy receiving gifts for once!

Thank you, Sunday.

Nothing is more crass than telling people what you want your "gifts" to be.

Matt-Sunday: I was extremely against the idea of a wedding registry even as a youngish couple "starting" out - but I'd cooked enough that I had good knives & pots. So, we did not register, and indicated to our friends and family that we didn't expect any gifts.

So, what happened? My close friends gave us checks. My immediate family drove us to the nearest department store and insisted on buying us fine china & crystal. We got gifts anyway, most of which we tried very hard to find a use for. We moved them from place to place and eventually gave all of it away. We still have the fine china & crystal which we use once a month (crystal more frequently). If we had registered for it and received more pieces, they'd all be in use today and probably would have thought (me anyway) of the giver every time we use them.

BigA: kind of love this idea about gifts for parts of the honeymoon.
Sunday, the gift part isn't exactly stressful--that word I'd reserve for planning a wedding in general in Manhattan. But to offer no guidance seems sort of inconsiderate since most people these days have registries and guests expect them; plus, guests really will struggle trying to figure out gifts for us I think. And it also means potentially dozens of items from all different places that might need to be returned creating a headache for us in the end.

kyle, one of my best friends set up his wedding registry that way as well. They split up larger honeymoon items like hotel and airfare into something like $50 units, so you could mix and match where your gift money went. I think it went exceedingly well for all parties involved.

kylewest, I'm not suggesting you are stressed about it (I labeled it as a chore for you), though your guests might stress over it if you give no guidance. I think people should spend time thinking about what to give instead of just selecting the price range of the items. It really is the thought that counts. Let me repeat, gifts should be fun and exciting/surprising. Yes, that means some or even most gifts might be boring or even useless, but maybe you'll get a couple of nice surprises. When I said you don't really care about the gifts, I just meant you are capable of getting whatever you want yourself and don't really need anything like a young couple starting out. Give your guests a chance to surprise you.

The above suggestions are specific to kylewest and his situation. I have nothing against registries. For a young couple starting out, I think registries are great.

When we got married in a pretty similar situation (maybe worse, because we not only had all the stuff we needed, but were living in a 1BR so didn't have anywhere to put more stuff), we:

- Suggested that people give to charity instead of giving stuff to us. We chose a couple of our favorite charities, set up easy ways for people to give to them, and even matched gifts made this way to try to encourage people to take this route.

Knowing that this was not "sufficient" for some people, we also registered for a handful of items that we actually needed and suggested people give gift cards for our honeymoon.

Overall, it worked out pretty well, I think. We got less stuff than we probably would have otherwise, some help with the honeymoon, and a reasonable amount directed to good charities.

Congrats kylewest. How about the gift of airfare?

http://www.continental.com/CMS/en-US/products/Pages/GiftCertificates.aspx

Love the idea of using gifts from friends and family to hop on a first class trip to Shanghai.

JuiceMan: That's a great idea!

Kyle: Don't know if you and your guy are into this, but:
Gurney's Inn has gift cert. for spa services.
I love it there and me and my b.f. go there for great massages. The lady who works on me was too gentle for my b.f. -- so she sent over that Russian lady, who massaged him like a baker kneading.
He loved that -- he's a surfer and can take it.

So here's the update:
After much clicking and looking and discussing and considering, the winner is....
www.honeyfund.com Initial reaction is very positive. Like everything about the wedding, the registry is a bit different and family and friends seem to like that. There's nothing stopping anyone from getting creative about gift giving on their own, and we aren't sending out the site "soliciting" for gifts in anyway. But if anyone asks a parent or close friend where we're registered, they'll be given the website.

Tina24hour, thank you for the creative suggestion and what we came to see as the best website of its sort.

Huzzah! So glad it's working out.

Klye,

Congrats!! How about some details on ceremony. Where? What When?

Congrats Kylewest!

And personally in my circle, noone registers and everyone just gives a check. registering is a hassle and giving a check then the couple can get what they want or do spend it how they see fit.

one it can help with the cost of the wedding.
second if everyone does that and you feel you want to give it all away to charity then on the thank you card you can say "thank you for your generous gift, you'll be happy to know that it is now helping xxx charity."

Since you have a country place, how about registering at Home Depot for tools, garden supplies, barbecue equipment, etc.
Also, Williams-Sonoma has a good registry. Please register for items at all different price points.

"we aren't sending out the site "soliciting" for gifts in anyway"

What do you call it then?

Congratulations!

We were married in Manhattan just a couple years ago. We did register at Pottery Barn and Crate and Barrel - but we were in the same situation. We had been living together, making good money, and had our apartment already rather well established. Also in an apartment, you really don't have much room for much additional stuff. We registered for the splurge things that we wanted - better wine glasses, better utensils, a new mixer, tablecloths, etc.

We did NOT put the registry in any invitation. We only offered it if people asked if we were registered anywhere. Most people gave us cash.

We also had a few unique gifts that you can't register for - example, someone gave us a gift certificate to do the Liberty Helicopter tour over NYC.

You can also register for wine. There are a few wine stores that do registries. I believe 67 Wine is one of the (68th and columbus).

And to those that are anti the gifts - to be honest, the majority of guests in most circles want to give a gift, whether they feel socially obligated or because they truly enjoy giving something to the couple. At the same time, we had a few couples that didn't give us anything - not even a card. We also had people that gave us a gift 6 months after the wedding. All was fine.

I believe gifts shouldn't be mentioned in an invite or expected, but you should realize most people will want to give you something. And some people want it to be a tangible useful gift rather than cash, in which case, trust me, often you'd rather have picked it out yourself than allowed them to use their own individual discretion.

"And some people want it to be a tangible useful gift rather than cash, in which case, trust me, often you'd rather have picked it out yourself than allowed them to use their own individual discretion."

Indeed.

God forbid you should ever accept a ... *gasp!* ... GIFT from someone.

It's SO much more meaningful (and practical!) to just tell people what to buy you.

Again, NYCMatt, I stated that you should never ask for gifts or imply that you are looking for gifts in an invitation.

However, when people ask you and insist (and oh they do...) - they are usually thankful to have guidelines. Even at our wedding when we told people it wasn't necessary to give anything, many were insistent to know what store we liked and whether we were registered.

As I already said, we didn't even receive gifts from everyone, was fine. And other gifts ranged from cash, to hand crafted wooden art, to the helicopter tour. Many people wanted to in some fashion give us something in return for our paying for their dinner and a night of dancing and festivities. Others did not feel the need to give anything, which didn't change our friendship or relationship. In fact, we didn't even blink at it.

mc: I share your views on this which you state quite well here. Matt is a bit of an outlier and harbors some unusual views about tips and gifts and the like--there's no need to convince him. His mind is made up. The truth is, if I tell everyone "no gifts" or select a charity they can donate to, most will not abide this. The only people the registry is for are those who specifically ask "where are they registered?" I think for those seeking direction, it is kind and thoughtful to provide it. Figuring out how to do all this is a bit of work for two guys because the traditional etiquette doesn't always translate. I've been told, for example, that for straight couples, the registry info is often given out with bridal shower invitations or in connection with an engagement party and the word is spread in that way. We did not have an engagement party, or bridal shower needless to say, so (1) we haven't been extracting gifts from friends and family for the better part of a year over this wedding, and (2) no one is quite sure how to proceed on different fronts. It isn't the dilemma of the century here, but there are little moments where it has been clear some people aren't sure if or how two guys getting married is different. The registry is just a small way of offering guidance for those who ask for it. And fwiw, we'll be making a donation to a favorite charity in honor of our guests in lieu of party favors (or in addition to them more likely), so telling people to donate to charity seemed kind of preachy to us. And knowing our friends, it would have just resulted in them making a donation AND giving a gift which makes us even more uncomfortable because we really don't want people feeling they should break the bank just because we want to share our wedding with them.

Thanks, Kyle. :)

Another was to inform people is to make a wedding website. Many of the popular wedding websites host pages like this. Here you can put the key dates and times and other information for your guests (hotels, etc) but you can also include a mention that while you are not expecting gifts you are registered at x, y, and z or a link to a charity you support. I have seen people do this as well; they then send a general email to their friends and family saying to check out the website for more information about the wedding.

Friends can have the desired to be generous when they are excited for you! Some are not, but others I agree really appreciate being guided.

Congrats again :)

"Matt is a bit of an outlier and harbors some unusual views about tips and gifts and the like--there's no need to convince him. His mind is made up."

Most people, if they were really honest with themselves, would agree with me.

Just sayin'.

Matt, I hate you. But I love you, too. You made me laugh. Yet, if you were really honest with yourself, I know you would agree with me (and admit you're just kinda cheap).

How dare you, bitch!

People love my traditional wedding gift: a set of six rock-cut crystal beer mugs from Tiffany.