Broker Speak Dictionary - How to translate what brokers say

subtract 1 bedroom and 20% of listed square footage from every listing.

Step = five blocks. As in "steps to Whole Foods", "steps to Central Park." Etc.

Charming = tiny.

"we have had a lot of interest in this unit" = you are the first person to show any interest.

Priced to sell = still 20% above market

Midtown East = Murray Hill, Tudor City, Roosevelt Island, and LIC. Sometimes Astoria. UES = Lenox Hill, Carnegie Hill, Yorkville, and East Harlem. UWS goes up to 155th west of fifth. FiDi somehow includes Brooklyn.

and the East Village includes the Lower East Side!

"bring your architect" - Place is in pre-revolutionary war condition

"estate sale, use your imagination" - Place is in pre-Colombus condition

"sprawling" = unworkable floor plan

"this home is front and center" = even the agents have run out of ideas for describing it

"motivated seller" - worked for Lehman

"motivated seller / bring offers" - worked for Lehman, invested with Madoff

delight! = shit.

"massive price reduction" - okay, price was unrealistic but we thought we would give it a shot at pre-August pricing

"there are some deals out there, there are bargains to be had" - look, I get paid on commission. If you don't buy a place then my children don't get fed, capisce? So don't ask me if you should wait because, what's in it for me? Its always a good time to buy from my perspective.

sun drenched = tiny sliver of sunlight roughly equivalent to the hole in the straw of a sippy-cup through one window for one hour per day

"indirect river views" = be careful when you lean out the window to try to catch a glimpse of the river, you might fall.

spqsydney - you are funny.

"funky" = drug addled hipsters did the decor

"gold coast" = something we made up because we thought it sounded cool even though there is no coast around the area we are describing as gold coast

"West Village" = Chelsea

"Chelsea" = that weird scary no-man's area north of chelsea

"Union Square" = Kips Bay

"Convertible 3" = Really a two - unless you are happy with a 10 x 10 living space

"Great Room" = Anything larger than 10 x 10 living space

To add to spqsydney's neighborhood list,

"Clinton" = Hell's Kitchen. Personally, I thought Hell's Kitchen had more character as a name.

Well, I don't think Hells Kitchen = CLinton is the same, because they ARE the same in reality. spqsydney and I are talking about brokers stretching the boundaries past reality. So calling 55th and 10th or 116th and Broadway UWS. Calling something in Hells Kitchen a place in Clinton is not, in fact, a lie.

Here is another one: Expansive city view = second floor or higher.

Point taken. I stand corrected.

"oversized" = anything BUT too big....

I think we should rename some districts and be promoting them as Real Estate speak. Therefore:

- Midtown South around the East 30s is now the "Flying Carpet District" in honor of the rug stores

- Williamsburg(I mean, come on) is now the "Cloudy Bong Water District" in honor of the residents

- LES is now the "Ironic T-Shirt" district or "IrTee"

- FiDi was "Nappy District" (for two weeks) but is now officially "Vanishing Equity District" or "VanEq"

1000 sf = 575 sf

Can we take this opportunity to strike BoCoCa from common vernacular? That has got to be the most annoying neighborhood name, even including RAMBO...

"unique" good luck decorating the place
"bring your toothbrush"-not sure this means anything but I always hated this slogan
"cozy"-barely suitable for you and a hampster
"motivated seller"- i got the exclusive by promising seller I could get a really high price. 6 months and no bids later he's getting angry....
"newly renovated"-owner has spectacularly bad taste and wants to inflict it on you

Also, the more exclamation points any ad has, the crappier the apartment...

LOL cfranch. I am enjoying this thread but I better get back to work before my employer fires me and I can no longer afford the $10 subscription to this site

We also need to re-name "Two Bridges" but I have no idea what goes on down there. Or maybe we should promote is as in "I was going to have drinks in TriBeCa but then I decided to have dinner in Two Bridges"

"'approximately' XXX square foot" = certainly less than half of what I said. Okay, 1/3 of what I said. Okay, a quarter. Okay, I really don't know the square footage but I am LONELY at these open houses and need you to see it.

"investment opportunity" - I couldn't give this place away for free but I'm hoping that there is indeed a sucker born every minute.

This is Mrs StF62 writing. I object to eliminating BoCoCa. When we lived in CG, I liked to randomly blurt this out. Bo-COH-kah. Just rolls off the tongue.

jason10006, I think you may be mistaken in one of your translations. Doesn't charming = bizarre plumbing configuration (rentals: bathtub in kitchen, no bathroom sink; sales: only full bath off kitchen)? It can also designate "thirty-eight layers of paint" or "catastrophically loud steam heat." Traditionally, cozy = tiny or grim.

step-saving kitchen - dorm fridge and a hotplate.

I've noticed "Tribeca" now means Chinatown as well.

XXX mint - once used for a location in a seedy art film.
For some reason, I absolutely hate that expression. It doesn't seem to mean anything except they vacuumed before taking the picture.

gourmet chef's kitchen = has working appliances...we are using gourmet in the same way that the skanky deli on the corner calls itself a "gourmet" deli

Yes, I even had a friend who lived east of Broadway who insisted he lived in Tribecca, so its not just Realtors. He said it "felt" like Tribecca.

"Gramercy Park" = as far east as the river and as far north as 34th street

"Rarely available" = at least 5 more units in the building (same line)

"Triple mint" = built/last renovated in the 1970s

"Low maintenance" = ONLY $2.5 per s.f.

"Perfect for entertaining" = you can fit 5 people standing up in the "great room"

"I just recieved another bid on the apartment your interested in, it's an all cash bid"
translates to:

My phone hasn't rung in two months, please,please,please bid on this apartment...I'm starving and a pathological liar.

Summarized

Earlier this week, we looked at a two-bedroom apartment at renegade South Williamsburg new development pioneer Schaefer Landing that was, in the words of the Craigslist listing, BELOW MARKET"; "Owner is Very Motivated"; "SHORT SALE." Not bad. But today, a tipster alerts us to another Shaeffer Landing 2BR firesale that hit the market yesterday and ups the ante on the brokerbabble: "**SHORTSALE** This is the credit crunch discount you have been waiting for. This is a pre-foreclosure property that sold for $925,000 two years ago! Below market and priced to move fast." Today's asking price: $649,000. For those who must, there's even bonus Warren Buffet quotage to motivate you to buy, even if the drift of Curbed commenters a few days back indicates this place may have to fall farther before it finds a taker.

'Trunk storage in the basement' - elephant hunter friendly

SICK deal = overpriced

In terms of hilarity/gruesome truth, this is the thread of the month.

"Loft-like" = Ceiling height exceeds seven feet.
"No detail has been overlooked" = Every ounce of charm has been gutted.
"Premier coop" = High maintenance.
"Boutique coop" = No services or amenities.
"Sought-after coop" = Crazy board.

"jewel box" == fussy and small
"live-in super" == unlike all those buildings without supers
"prewar detail" == Home Depot plastic molding glopped everywhere
"concierge" == lout behind counter in lobby

100% sold with vacancies
Only one apt left so act fast - that apt has been listed since last year
This apt will not last very long

HA HA What does 'exclusive' broker mean as opposed to 'unexclusive?' I'm from LA, not up on the NYC-speak btw - 'ocean view' in Los Angeles' mean 'excellent view of the freeway with blue haze in the distance instead of just brown haze'

ocean view here means the Russian mafia will be pleased to serve you

OMG spqsydney - I HATE HATE HATE "gold coast"!! It gets me fired up everytime I read it. Unbelievably stupid terminology!!!!

I think it bothers me more than "sick deal".

Two Bridges = Chinatown

Old World Charm = Bring a bull dozer

broker=liar
that's the one to remember

"Ten percent???" "If this unit goes down 10%, I'LL buy it"

This is the best thread ever (even if I am guilty of spqsydney's "there are some deals out there, there are bargains to be had" line. Which I sincerely believe, but still:

"Real 1BR" = alcove studio
"Lrg Flex 4 BR" = railroad apartment
"mini-loft" = studio

Tina
(Brooklyn broker)

"2nd bedroom perfect for study / nursery" = 2nd bedroom cannot be used as a but only study / nursery

"pristine floors" = don't look up, the walls are blood stained and there is no view.

"won't last at this price!" = won't last at any price, building about to collapse

"timeless value" = at the price we are offering, you will recoup investment when you are eighty

"updated kitchen and bath" = crappy Home Depot cabinetry and cheap plastic tiles slopped on to make decaying wrecks seem more palatable... will have to be ripped out and redone at extra expense to owner.

"good bones" = needs major facelift

"family friendly" = screaming kids and elevators clogged with strollers

"pet friendly" = yapping dogs and mysterious stains on hallway carpeting

"sweeping Hudson River views" = tiny window in kitchen has obstructed view of river. Rest of apartment faces east.

"eat-in kitchen" = two stools stationed in front of sink

"chef's kitchen" = unnecessarily pricey modern appliances dropped incongruously into 70's era kitchen in lame effort to woo buyers

"storage space available" = waiting list is 10 years long

"original details abound" = peeling paint, gouged floors, water damage from upstairs neighbor's overflowing tub... Bring your wrecking ball

"your friends will be jealous" = not when they hear how much you spent on the gut reno, which went over budget by 40%

"perfect for entertaining" = yeah, but you'll be too broke after closing costs, taxes, legal fees, gut reno, mortgage and maintenance payments

"original casement windows" = they leak and must be replaced to landmark specifications at great expense to buyer

"seller pays flip tax" = Yeah, right. It's coming out of YOUR pocket, sucka!

"Now is the time to buy" By Barbara Corcorcan - What does she have to gain or lose.

"With interest rates @ all time historic lows this is the best time to buy" By Barbara Corcorcan
True again but what does she have to gain or lose.

Real Estate only appreciates - I will not add my 2 cents on this.

"15 minutes from midtown" = 45 minutes and no seats on the subway

Bump! - this thread is much more interesting than listening to opinion's from the Blinded-by-the-Light (aka Brokers) that we all should have bought in Dec 2008 or from the Doomsters that we should all wait until prices = $1.

"Highest and Best at the Majestic" = "we are doing are best to bamboozle someone out of their hard-earned money"

^^ "our best"

that is so funny......i will copy and paste this to some brokers to be a shame of this profession.....BS do we need brokers ?????

http://www.streeteasy.com/nyc/rental/447665-rental-200-riverside-blvd-lincoln-square-new-york

"three bedrooms for the price of two,"

12/23/2008
Listed in StreetEasy by Corcoran at $8,750.
03/06/2009
Price decreased by 3% to $8,475.
03/19/2009
Price decreased by 6% to $7,995.
03/31/2009
Price decreased by 6% to $7,500