Showing a Dirty Apartment

Smelled like baby poop, broker brewing mulled cider to cover up the stink so it was mulling spices mixed with poop. If I'd have stayed, I'd have vomited.

Ooohh--this is fun. Ok--I've seen some stinkholes, but a couple of places do stand out. One was in a co-op up in Washington Heights and I can't now remember the building. We arrived (with broker--they WERE expecting us) to a filthy apartment complete with man walking around sporting dirty boxers and sweat-stained wife-beater. There were magazines and other paper debris surrounding the toilet, as though someone had been taking a dump while multi-tasking some bills, and then decided to wander away. Dishes were piled in the sink, junk was strewn about on most surfaces, and there was an underlying stench of BO and rotten food that wafted gently through and seemed to follow us even after we'd escaped into the elevator. (The broker later told us the folks were renters who didn't want the place sold out from under them.)

But, I believe first prize has gotta go to a certain apartment (don't want to get into trouble here) currently listed at a certain well-known RSD co-op. There's a reason this fetid pig-pen isn't selling after months on the market and an embarrassing number of price-drops--it is truly a sty. Where do I even begin? Ok--unflushed toilets. Seriously. Oh, and it appeared someone had been enjoying a bowl of cereal and a cig while sitting on the john--no joke.

Herringbone floor in such gouged and rotted disrepair that you could actually kick around pieces of the wood like railroad ties in some areas. Unmade beds, complete with skid-marked sheets that appeared not to have been changed since the Clinton administration. Food-encrusted kitchen counter tops, and every apparent pot, pan and dish either piled in the sink or sitting on the stove-top with last week's leftovers happily congealing and crusting into unrecognizable sludge.

Leaks from the windows and ACs that had been left to fester like gangrenous wounds. A multi-tentacled plant in the living room literally covering roughly 1/5 of the floor, like some rare monstrosity from the Amazon jungle that just might eat insects and small animals. Speaking of insects, I was afraid to get anywhere near, let alone touch, anything upholstered for fear of what could be lurking inside.

I could go on, but I won't. Wish I could post pictures--my description simply doesn't do this urban junkyard justice. And the amazing thing is that the owners aren't elderly folks who've just let it all go. From what I can understand, they're middle-aged, and they're shareholders, not rent-stabilized tenants who just don't care. There is simply NO EXCUSE for anyone to be showing, let along living, under such utterly foul conditions.

My favorite from house hunting was a widescreen monitor with a lovely desktop image of porn (and nasty porn at that) left on and displayed prominently in the house. Of course the house was a mess as well but all I really remember are those nasty pictures.

renters in a coop/condo have so much power when the owner is selling. A smart owner would offer a several hundred dollar rebate for each weekend there is an open house.

I remembered one more. This was the very worst: after selling my coop, I needed a rental to park myself in while I shopped for a new place to buy. I thought a sublet would provide the most flexibility. Before I knew better, I began with Craigslist. There was an 1-dbrm apt listed in Chelsea for $2,900. Got to the building and I wanted to forget it. It was dumpy. But we were there, so... Up 5 rickety flights of crooked stairs. Top floor with leaky roof skylight in hall. Door to apt was paper thin with shanty-town lame lock. After a minute of knocking, the door opened. Student answered with wet hair--obviously just showered. The place was a steam bath. Tiny, crammed for one person--couldn't believe he lived there with a roommate. Nastiest carpet you've ever seen--like it had been in a subway station for 6 months--wall-to-wall. Looked like life could have hatched in that carpet as if it were some modern day primordial soup base. Everything falling apart. And two more things were unfortunately obvious:(1) the resident didn't ever open windows; and (2) prior to filling the place with shower steam he had taken a huge smelly dump. The combination of poop stink and steam and nasty worn carpet and unmade beds and peeling laminate everywhere made me nauseous. That anyone would pay $3000 for a hole like that was shocking.

I once showed an apartment where the tenants were smokers -- and before every showing, I'd have to hide the matches, ashtray, and something that looked suspiciously like a bong (not that I would know about such things). The apartment was small, so I usually stashed the smoke supplies in the kitchen cabinets, but then whenever buyers were looking at the kitchen I'd have to guard the cabinets so they wouldn't open the wrong one . ..

ali r.
{downtown broker}