how big and apartment vs second home

Would you mind if I turned this into a wife and mistress question?

My take, always make sure the wife is amazing first cause a mistress is really jus a play thing to be used once in awhile if at all. One other thing if you settle for a wife then you will ALWAYS look for a mistress.

You could just get yourself one of them boardroom-to-bordello wives

W67: tsk, tsk. Only sophisticates can deal with mistresses. We're not talking about a casual affair here. We're talking long-term mistresses in marriages where it's de rigeur. Marriage is only for the preservation of assets, bloodlines, etc.

I know lots of people who do this - all depends on the cost of the 2nd home & 1st home, proximity and useability of 2nd home, size of 1st home.

I know of a few families with 2 kids, 2-bedroom apts in the city who own a place not too far away (say 1-1.25 hr drive under ideal conditions). They go there every weekend, store excess gear out there. Seems to work for them. I think the trick is not to get a too-big and inexpensive weekend place.

So, even when it's cold, it's not too much of a hassle to get out there. As for play dates, I feel like these dwindle once your kids are older.

second home would probably be 2:15 away. Designed by an architect with a bit of a following and we are big fans. Large new house, 75 acres, pool, carriage house with extra bedrooms above etc. Great family compound type sitiuation - really exactly what we want. will go for better part of 2 million. Current place would have gone for 1.7+/- at peak based on very good comps, probably 1.2+/- today. So i think we would be in for slightly less than that 'big primary residence' in the city - and hopefully spend most of our vacations and weekends at this place and give parents a place outside the city to spend time with the kid and to tinker on projects etc...
but somehow i cant help but think we might really come to resent this place, wish we had more city space (room to get away from each other sometimes!) and have a tough time unloading it quickly if it was a disaster. probably over thinking things - this place really is exactly what we would want in a country place and i think would be a pretty big change for teh positive to our lifestyle and relationships.

That's great that you're expecting your first child. I mean that generally, and also because that gives you about 13 years before said child adamantly refuses ever to go the country with you again. Sorry, but that's the way it works.

One other thing to consider - will you feel bound to take all your vacations in the second house, so as to make full use of it? Will it prevent you from traveling, or doing other things you might enjoy?

I know several families, including renters, who put their money into second homes rather than big (or bigger) apartments. Most thought that there was a better bang for the buck spending on a home, and the incremental space in an apartment was no substitute for a backyard and a pool. Interestingly, at least one is trying to sell their second home thinking that the NYC market might present a good opportunity to move up in size or neighborhood.

Most families I know experienced what AH said -- by 7th-8th grade, the kids did not want to leave the city, and many will have other commitments on weekends during the school year. The exceptions to this were families that had houses near similar houses of the kids' classmates (i.e., Hamptons), and who enrolled the kids in soccer/little league/dance/etc. at the second home locale. And, for those who had homes in beach areas, once the kids became college-age, many wanted to spend the whole summer out of the city (not necessarily inviting you, of course). Getting the kids to go to the middle of nowhere may be harder than other (or closer) locations.

One gratuitous comment. I am very much the weekend warrior, have a full workshop in my apartment and in my second home, and much of what I do most weekends is fixing or making things. That said, I would not want a 75 acre "family compound" 120 miles away. It costs a lot to heat, maintain, and worry about. I did not chose one over the other, but my house was less than half the size of my apartment. We are building a new one now, and when finished it still will be 25% smaller. You might consider renting for a summer or a year to see how much you need or desire so much space so far from home.

spidey... the key here is if you believe nyc will continue to fall, the outer burbs will fall faster and deeper... so lock in 3 yr rental in burbs, save and do bigger manhattan trade. FWIW, I KNOW the 4bdrm to 2 bdrm premium in NYC is compressing faster than Dolly's boob implants at her yearly "silicone" oil change. TRUST ME, I am anonymous blogger.

"TRUST ME, I am anonymous blogger."

Words to live by ... definitely going on a needlepointed throw pillow ASAP. I need to learn how to needlepoint. Maybe there's a program I can illegally download that can laser-print it on a throw pillow for me.

Well, to put it another way, you don't want to become a prisoner of the place you bought as an escape.

having had both for quite a while...

the most important question is how and where you want to live. we worked in the city and lived in the country. yep...the kids say no during high school and then you either sell, sulk, browbeat or finally leave them on their own! but it still comes down to where you want to live---if you enjoy most weekends in the city, i would strongly suggest not even considering this.

and...either way, the comment above about 75 acres, family compound 2;15 hrs away...I completely agree. the only way to make it work is to keep everything as simple and maintenance free as possible.

Alanhart is right about the 13 years. House with a pool and you are not there will require a pool service. All of this gets pretty expensive. Trade up in the city and tell me when your apartment comes on the market.

you should rent a larger place and spend no more than 10% of your income leaving money left over for renting a summer place. this is not the time to buy. prices are falling. save your money, accrue some cash and then buy in a year or 2 with all cash (if you can swing it) or with a sizable down payment.

?

Aboutready, luv, you'd be a good one to weigh in on this. Hope all is well with you ;-)

Just went through this exact exercise and purchased a house in NW CT on about 7 acres this summer. No pool (for now). Beautiful new country construction, and was able to really work a good deal with a motivated seller. 100-120 mins door to door. We rent a 2 BR in the city and were debating whether to buy a larger space or stick with the 2br and expand into a weekend house. We have a 3 year old and another one on the way.

It has only been a few months but I can say unequivocally that so far we are extremely happy we got the second house. We go pretty much every weekend, and expect to do so throughout the year. The house will allow our kids to do things that they would otherwise not experience in NYC - like having a basement with big toys, exploring the woods, go apple picking at local farms, build stuff in our workshop together, roast marshmellows on the outdoor fireplace, smoke bbq pork shoulders on the grill, etc. Secondly, there is something extremely refreshing and serene about the country which you just can't replicate in NYC. The scenery is beautiful, things are 'old world' and if you pick the right location you can still do the fine dining and luxury stuff on the weekends in a country setting.

On top of this, the house doubles as storage and has saved us $600/mo on storage fees ..

The way I see it, we don't need a big place in the city - during the week we work, kid goes to school, we come home, eat dinner, and go to sleep. Repeat until Fridays. I guess we'll have to see how it goes with the new baby and the 2BR .. but a lot of people do this so it should be ok after the first few months.

drdrd, things are well. sad you can't make the get together.

spiderman, are you planning on more than one kid? i can tell you that with one the dynamic is quite different when they are older (13) because you just bring up another kid to keep them happy (and you too).

i do concur with the less is more theme in terms of work. if you have help at the country house it will be different, but if you're doing everything yourself and you have a lot of space you can really feel like a slave to the space. and make sure you calculate things like how far you have to go for groceries, etc. but there is something magical about a home away from home. a big back yard. depending on where you are, skiing, skating (we have a pond the hubby has too much fun maintaining for ice skating), and for us, even the mall. we live comfortably in the city in about 1200 sf without the private outdoor space, and i know many with two kids who do the same. sometimes it feels like we are just transporting stuff back and forth but it works. we are 2 1/2-3 hours out, and thus far we're not getting complaints (many) about the trip, but we do try to make it fun. good luck, either choice would work, i'd think. so pick whichever will bring you the most joy, with the least irritation. hard in a vacuum, but your gut instinct is probably correct.

W67: I thought the way it was supposed to be done (instead of weekend mistresses and whatnot) was to have 6 wives and a 7 floor house. One wife lives on each floor and you visit a different wife every night - the seventh night being your day of rest. ;)

When your child (and likely subsequent children?) get to be in elementary school with friends and activities, you will find it harder to pick up and leave for the weekend place. That said, I know people who do it and make it work. One pro to it is that the kids get a place to run around, which is tough in 1100 sq ft. A con: there is always the love/hate in regard to the upkeep of two homes.